


Drag Your Fingers Through the Dust of Us

by hollybennett123



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Feelings, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 14:00:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13215258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollybennett123/pseuds/hollybennett123
Summary: Jyn Erso doesn’t love Cassian Andor.She thinks, nevertheless,what if.





	Drag Your Fingers Through the Dust of Us

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been sat on my phone in bullet point form since the end of 2016, but I never got round to actually finishing it. It seemed a shame to let it languish there forever, so I've finally tidied it up and here it is. I so very rarely write anything with angst themes, but this pairing pretty much requires it! ♥

She doesn't love him -- has barely had the chance to know him -- but when Jyn looks at Cassian she sees a man she _could_ love and that's interesting enough in itself.

It’s a distraction she doesn’t need or want until she has time for herself, so she lets her mind wander only at night, alone in her quarters. She’s careful, always, to think about it only in the abstract: sees the two of them together with blank spaces all around, very carefully not imagining any sort of future.

In the end, Jyn thinks, it'll be easier that way.

***

The bread ration Cassian hands her at breakfast is flecked through with dried fruit, soft and sweet with spices that warm her mouth when she takes a bite. It’s surprising enough in its indulgence that Jyn pauses, not having tasted anything so good since her childhood.

“You don't like it,” Cassian states bluntly.

Jyn picks at a piece of dried fruit; places it on her tongue and revels in the sweetness. “No, it’s not that,” she says. “I just -- this is good. Really good. Where did you get this?”

“I pick up what I can when I pass through any market,” he shrugs. “Spices, herbs; they’re easy to carry and I can add them to any food we get. I think -- people ought to take little pleasures where they find them. Or else what is the point in living?”

She’s left surprised by his response. He so rarely offers up such insights into himself, and so far she’d always taken him as someone for whom small pleasures in life would be considered an unnecessary distraction. He rarely expresses delight at anything, and certainly nothing so simple and domestic as breakfast. It’s oddly reassuring to know there are hidden aspects of him that aren’t entirely dark.

By the time she thinks to say anything in return, though, he’s already gone.

***

That night Jyn tires of allowing her mind to wander, and lets her feet wander instead.

She finds Cassian in his room, carefully cleaning weaponry, and while the both of them are dressed for sleep he appears to be just as awake as she is. He eyes her carefully when he sees her, but says nothing, waiting for her to speak first.

“I agree with what you said,” Jyn says softly. “That we should take small pleasures when we find them.”

Cassian looks at her, his expression unreadable. Wipes his hands clean on a rag, his beautiful fingers sliding over one another smoothly and catching her attention.

“Are you here to ask if I will fuck you?” he says, eyes bright and a hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

He reads her so easily and says it so boldly that she feels a sharp tug of pleasure in her belly in response. She can’t quite tell yet whether he intends to agree to it or to mock her for the very suggestion.

Lifting her chin defiantly, Jyn says: “yes.”

Cassian sets the rag aside and gets to his feet. Stands in front of her and simply looks, the intensity in his gaze making her heart pound hard enough that she almost feels as though she can hear it.

The shirt she’s wearing falls halfway down her thighs, legs bare underneath. Cassian’s hands are warm when he places them on either side of her thighs and slides them up an inch or so, just enough to dip under the hem of her shirt.

“Yes?” he murmurs, and waits.

“ _Yes_ ,” Jyn says again, placing her hands on his and sliding them up further.

Hooking his thumbs into her underwear, Cassian pulls them down so slowly that Jyn can hardly stand it, desperate for something inside her now that she’s aching and slick. She steps out of them and he surprises her then by dropping to his knees. He presses a kiss to the inside of her thigh and she spreads her legs slightly, a startled hand going to his hair.

“Did you not want my mouth?” Cassian says, his breath warm against her skin.

“I want it,” Jyn says, the words tumbling out more quickly than she intended. “I want it, _please_.”

He licks into her like he’s savouring the taste and she moans and shudders; comes after only a few short minutes, the wet heat of his mouth and his enthusiasm enough to tip her over the edge even faster than she’d anticipated.

When she gets down on one knee and kisses him, she can still taste herself in his mouth. He groans when she drags the palm of her hand between his legs where he’s hard and wanting and she lets herself be pulled into his lap, his back to the wall now.

She rides him right there on the floor, his hands at her hips, and he touches her with an absolute gentleness that she's never experienced before; somehow it’s both surprising and not surprising at all.

When they’re done she brushes the dirt from her scuffed knees, and tries to put herself back together as best she can before she goes back to her room.

“Goodnight, Jyn,” is all Cassian says as she leaves, his tone brusque but his expression kind, so she bids him the same and says nothing further.

She finds she sleeps better that night than she has in some time; wakes early, somehow feeling both sated and longing for more.

***

Cassian comes to her, the next night. Backs Jyn up against the wall and kisses her when she grips at his waist and whispers _yes_.

Both still dressed, he helps her tug her pants off and unzips his own, every movement hurried despite having the whole night for themselves if they’d wanted it. She's still got a knife holstered to her thigh when he hoists her legs around his waist to take her right where they stand.

Breathless, he thumbs her underwear to one side. Slides in careful and slow, and then fucks her with glorious, brutal recklessness when she claws at his shoulders and begs for more.

“The whole ship will hear you,” he grits out, amused, and she can’t help but smile, giddy with pleasure; bites down on her knuckles to quieten herself, squeezing her legs more tightly around him and gasping.

“Small pleasures,” Jyn laughs afterwards, apropos of nothing and still flushed warm with arousal. She feels drunk off it, unsteady on her feet and light all at once. Cassian’s still leaning against the wall, against her, catching his breath, and when she runs her fingers through his hair he leans into her touch with a sigh.

“ _Small_?” he says, teasing, raising an eyebrow, and _oh,_ how his whole face changes when he smiles. Jyn shakes her head, fond.

Perhaps one day they'll actually take their clothes off completely, she thinks, and finally see each other entirely. But she cannot allow herself to think about it further. _One day_ exists only as much as _some day_ , and _when we_ and _future_ , which is to say: not at all, not now, not ever.

***

The final time, a few days later, they actually do manage to fully undress.

“You are making a habit of this, Jyn,” Cassian says, when she appears at his door.

“And you aren't?” Jyn retorts, tugging her vest over her head under his approving gaze.

She lays him back on his narrow bed and sucks him until he's wet, absolutely dripping. Tugs him on top of her and spreads her legs for him, guides him in with her hand and moans as he bottoms out fully.

He fucks her slowly, rocking together for so long she loses all track of time. He kisses her mouth, her forehead, her throat and she holds him close; tells him how good he feels and pants against his neck, desperate. 

After, she wipes the wet from her thighs and leaves in satisfied silence. His smile is warm, almost hidden. It’s one she’s never seen him use around the others, unique like it's just for her.

*** 

Jyn doesn't love Cassian; not yet, and nor will she ever. She continues to think only in the abstract and never paints a future for them in her mind’s eye.

Somehow, in the end, it doesn't make it easier at all.

With her knees pressed firmly into the sand, Cassian in front of her, Jyn aches inside for what could have been. Leans into it now, lets it hurt just a little.

Still, though, there's no one she'd rather have by her side in this moment. There’s no line in the sand, a clear division between love or its absence; all of this is an idle scribble, a tangled mess. But there is this: a man she loves as much as she'll ever get the chance to do so, and so much fear, swallowed down. 

They could have loved one other, if given the opportunity, and so they hold each other like lovers might. At the end of all things, his skin still warm against hers, she waits; thinks _of all the people in all the galaxy you're the one I'd choose_.


End file.
